Comparing, Despairing, and Caring on Social Media
Like it or not, most of us live in worlds shaped at least in part by social media. Many people use Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn to connect, to commiserate, to learn, to waste time, to brag (humbly or not), and more. The pluses and minuses of these activities are myriad, and people continue to debate and study them.
Yet how might we think about social media when it comes to people who are going through hardship or when we ourselves are experiencing adversity?
The Good and the Ugly
Regardless of whether one is experiencing hardship or not, social media can drive both positive and negative outcomes. The overall key, as discussed in this research article, is to consider how a person is engaging with social media. Namely, is social media helping you create meaningful connections or is it driving you to compare yourself with others and feel isolated? This seems likely to hold when you’re experiencing adversity but with a few additional considerations.
Social Media can be Good
As I’ve explored elsewhere, resilience is a team sport. Encouraging words and displays of support through social media can serve as sources of psychological strength during tough times. They can be a reminder that other people out there recognize and “see you” in your suffering and that they care.
Social media can also serve as a way for people with whom you may not have regular contact to reach out with encouraging messages or offers of help, both of which can strengthen real human connections. In many cases, people use social media to rally around and organize real support for people who have endured tragedy, and that seems largely positive.
Much of this, however, requires that you are at least somewhat public about your situation. That might not be the case. Some issues might be too private or painful to share. Some people are simply less comfortable with being “out there” with what’s really going on in their lives. And there’s likely some value in that too—it’s important to be judicious about what and how we share ourselves with different audiences.
Social Media can be Ugly
One way in which social media can negatively affect people is through excessive social comparison. Social media provides endless information about what other people are supposedly doing and how they supposedly look while doing it. That wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself, but it’s problematic because social media depicts only half of the story at best. For every photo of a smiling baby on Instagram, there’s likely a dozen real-life episodes of temper tantrums and diaper blowouts. For every “I’m pleased to announce” post on LinkedIn, there’s likely a dozen real-life job application rejections.
So when a person is going through one of life’s many crucibles, seeing how great everyone else is seemingly doing might lead to an increased sense of isolation. It can make life seem even more unfair given the contrast. That’s not healthy.
It’s interesting to note that social comparison seems to be a bit of a personality characteristic, in that some of us orient more toward it than others. Social scientists have measured social comparison orientation using a simple 11-item questionnaire that assesses how people compare themselves with each other. Sample items include, “I often compare how my loved ones (boy or girlfriend, family members, etc.) are doing with how others are doing,” “I always pay a lot of attention to how I do things compared with how others do things,” and “I often compare myself with others with respect to what I have accomplished in life.” Compared with people who are low in social comparison orientation, research suggests that people who are high in social comparison orientation engage with social media more and are more likely to experience negative outcomes such as lower self-esteem.
Given both the potentially good and ugly aspects of social media use while experiencing hardship, what might be some guidelines to consider? I offer a few below.
Guidelines to Consider
If you are going through a period of personal or professional adversity, consider the following with regard to social media use:
Remember that people often skew heavily toward only sharing the positive aspects of their lives; you aren’t alone in your suffering despite what it might look like on social media.
Set healthy boundaries on your social media consumption, particularly if you are high in social comparison orientation.
Handle the decision about whether to share your situation with care. Think through the pros and cons of sharing, both for yourself and for others affected. Importantly, consider why you might want to share your challenges and whether posting on social media is the best way forward. Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn’t.
Attempt to use social media as a means to build or strengthen human connections. In times of adversity, those human connections are critical and social media can be an effective tool.
If you know of someone who is going through a specific hardship, when it comes to social media consider the following:
Respect people’s privacy and don’t make someone else’s situation public before they do or without permission.
If someone shares their hardship on social media, respond with care and from a place of love—wanting what is best for them. Know that they will very likely have a heightened sense of awareness about who notices and who doesn’t. Never underestimate the power of a few encouraging words or comments.
If someone shares something that seems like a cry for help, reach out with support and direct questions. “Vaguebooking,” or sharing ambiguously alarming posts on social media, may predict more serious issues.
Given how much human connection matters as we’re navigating life’s many trials, social media presents some opportunities for support and resilience. Yet it’s a tool that can be misused or can amplify problems, so it’s important to be careful. If you’re going through hardship yourself, it’s often helpful to talk through your situation with someone who isn’t as emotionally invested as you are. Those trusted advisors can help you sort through what’s going on, including how you might engage in social media (or not).
References and for further reading
Berryman, Chloe, Christopher J. Ferguson, and Charles Negy. "Social media use and mental health among young adults." Psychiatric Quarterly 89 (2018): 307-314. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11126-017-9535-6
Clark, Jenna L., Sara B. Algoe, and Melanie C. Green. "Social network sites and well-being: The role of social connection." Current Directions in Psychological Science 27, no. 1 (2018): 32-37. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0963721417730833
Gibbons, Frederick X., and Bram P. Buunk. "Individual differences in social comparison: development of a scale of social comparison orientation." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 76, no. 1 (1999): 129-142. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-00166-010
Saiphoo, Alyssa N., Lilach Dahoah Halevi, and Zahra Vahedi. "Social networking site use and self-esteem: A meta-analytic review." Personality and Individual Differences 153 (2020): 109639. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919305719
Vogel, Erin A., Jason P. Rose, Bradley M. Okdie, Katheryn Eckles, and Brittany Franz. "Who compares and despairs? The effect of social comparison orientation on social media use and its outcomes." Personality and Individual Differences 86 (2015): 249-256. https://sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886915004079