Give More Grace

One of psychology's most important lessons for everyday life

No one likes traffic.

It’s even worse when driving rules are mostly suggestions—and when a small number of those other drivers might be out to harm you on purpose.

That was part of everyday life in 2013 while driving around Kabul, Afghanistan. I spent nearly that entire calendar year there in my military role as an advisor to the Afghan National Police.

Somewhere in Kabul, Afghanistan, circa July 2013. Photo credit: me.

Driving in Kabul required paying attention in ways most Americans never have to. For our own safety, we often had to drive in ways that likely annoyed many people in the local population. But even that part of the context showcases the same psychology that shows up on American roads too—we had good reasons for our driving, but it might have made us look like jerks once in a while.

The psychology here has to do with our tendency to assume that other people’s bad behavior reflects who they are—while our own bad behavior reflects our circumstances. But we’re usually much more generous with ourselves than we are with other people.

When someone cuts us off, they’re selfish. When we cut someone off, we’re late.

When someone else is impatient, they’re rude. When we’re impatient, it’s because we’ve had a hard day.

This is so widespread that we hardly notice it. In those moments when someone behaves in some way that we don’t like—be it in traffic, in our relationships, or at work—we’re wired to some degree to assume that their behavior is indicative of some part of who that person is. Now, it might be true that that driver actually is a selfish jerk, but more often than not, it probably isn’t.

This is a cognitive bias that is so pervasive and ingrained that it’s called the fundamental attribution error. It may help us in some limited instances, but when left unchecked, it may contribute to a sense of arrogance that damages our relationships with others and with the rest of the human world at large.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The list of cognitive biases—or ways in which our default ways of thinking can deceive us—is long.

There’s recency bias, in which we may overvalue information that we acquired more recently than older information. There’s confirmation bias, in which we may tend to find or put more emphasis on information that aligns with what we already believe to be true.

There’s in-group bias, in which we may treat people who belong to the same group as us better than those who belong to another group (even when those groups are arbitrary and randomly assigned).

And many more. But the fundamental attribution error is, well, fundamental.

How might we do better?

My personal practice, which has gotten a bit easier with practice and age, is to try my best to do two things. I note here that I frequently fail, but I keep trying. Here’s what I try:

1. If someone does something that annoys me, I try to pause for a moment. I notice what I’m thinking and feeling, and then try to think a bit more about why.

2. If I’m thinking or feeling something negative about the person—potentially falling into the trap of the fundamental attribution error—I try to do the opposite. I make up a little story in my mind about the person, a story that assumes a reasonable explanation for his or her behavior. The more vivid and the more generous, the better. Maybe he’s distracted because he’s on the way to a funeral. Maybe she just found out that she has cancer. Maybe his leg is bleeding profusely due to an accident and he’s trying to get to the hospital. Maybe she found out that her supposed best friend has been saying nasty things about her behind her back. And so on.

It doesn’t matter in the least if my made-up story about the person is true. What matters is that I’m trying to imagine—and actually create—a space in my brain and life in which I can see others’ behavior as being reasonable given some circumstances.

What matters is that I’m trying to extend some grace to the other person, the similar grace that I might extend to myself with ease.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

But won’t you end up justifying bad behavior?

Using my simple do the opposite routine might indeed result in getting it wrong sometimes. Assuming people always have justifiable reasons for their behavior is bound to be incorrect sometimes.

And assuming universal magnanimity of character will of course result in some errors—some people’s bad behavior might indeed be a reflection of deeper parts of who they are.

The key is to look for patterns of behavior over a variety of contexts and over time if you’re trying to assess someone’s character. When the data are limited and the stakes are low in terms of risk to you, I find it’s useful to assume the best about others.

At the very least, simply remembering that we’re all humans who are generally trying to do our best within a complex set of circumstances might make our world a bit more civil. And it helps me have a bit more of a balanced view of the people around me, saving my own mental and emotional energy for those situations that actually deserve it.

So maybe the next time someone frustrates you, pause before judging.

Maybe they’re carrying a burden you can’t see.

Just like you are.

Just like we all are.

That’s why a little more grace—and a little less judgment—can go a long way.

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If this essay resonated with you ...

Many of the ideas I write about frequently—including crucibles, sensemaking, psychology, resilience, fortitude, and the relationship between faith and science—are explored in much greater depth in my forthcoming book: Crucibles: How Faith and Science Help Us Navigate Suffering.

Crucibles is set to release Sept. 8, 2026, and it’s available now for pre-order.

I will donate all 2026 author royalties to Mighty Vincent, a nonprofit organization devoted to facilitating in-person volunteer service for those in need.

Please note: The opinions and views expressed here belong solely to the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the Department of War (DoW) or its components. Any mention of commercial products or services does not imply DoW endorsement. Additionally, the presence of external hyperlinks does not signify DoW approval of the linked websites or their content, products, or services.