"God is a Bunch of Drunks Together in a Room"
"God is a Bunch of Drunks Together in a Room"
Matthew Perry, Pope St. John Paul II, and the Bystander Effect
In a tribute published in The New York Times, Hank Azaria recalled how fellow actor Matthew Perry—who died on Oct. 28, 2023—took him to his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in 2005. According to Azaria, upon entering the room Perry looked around and said, “It’s something, isn’t it? God is a bunch of drunks together in a room.”
Although I’d quibble with Perry’s observation on a theological level, within its context it does convey a certain truth, one that calls to my mind two related insights: Pope St. John Paul II’s 1984 apostolic letter Salvifici Doloris and the social science of the “bystander effect.” Taken together, these three unlikely companions give us something to think about and learn regarding how we respond to those around us who are enduring hardship.
Matthew Perry and Terminal Uniqueness
Perry, best known for his role as Chandler Bing on the American television show Friends, struggled for years with substance addiction. He spent time in and out of rehab more than a dozen times, and along the way, he advocated for and supported the recovery efforts of others. And given Azaria’s account, it seems that Perry understood quite a bit not only about alcoholism but also about the isolating nature of suffering itself.
One of the many challenges posed by addiction and addiction recovery is the overwhelming sense that one is alone in his or her situation, something known in recovery circles as “terminal uniqueness.” It’s the myth that your situation is so different from everyone else’s that no one can understand what you’re going through, that no one can help you.
Azaria, years after that initial Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, stated that he finally understood how this isolating idea of terminal uniqueness was at the root of what Perry meant when he said, “God is a bunch of drunks together in a room.” Deliverance from addiction requires destroying the lie that you’re alone in your suffering, and the presence of other people and hearing their stories is a key part of that. The solidarity, understanding, and support that those recovering alcoholics together in a room provided does indeed seem to me to be a powerful force, one that certainly transcends that of the lone individual.
Such is true of many forms of suffering. It’s common for people to think they’re unique in their pain, that no one understands them. It doesn’t help that most people are uncomfortable with suffering and death, and therefore may avoid approaching and interacting with those in hardship. It’s not surprising that loneliness and social isolation are major challenges for the bereaved and many other people. Regardless of the form of suffering one is enduring, the presence of a supportive community is an important element of resilience.
Pope St. John Paul II would agree, I think. In fact, he takes it a step further.
Pope St. John Paul II on Good Samaritans and Suffering
First, some context. Pope John Paul II, who led the Catholic Church from 1978 until his death in 2005 and was canonized a Catholic saint in 2014, was no stranger to suffering. In 1981, an assassin shot him, leaving him critically wounded. He spent three weeks in the hospital recovering. Born Karol Wojtyła in Poland in 1920, he lived through the death of his mother when he was 8 years old, and about four years later, his beloved older brother died. He lived through World War II and the Nazi occupation of his native country.
In late 1983, John Paul II visited his would-be killer in prison and forgave him face to face. A few months later, in early 1984, he published Salvifici Doloris as a letter to the world in response to what he perceived as a specific need at the time. Often referred to in English as “On the Meaning of Human Suffering,” the letter explores human suffering in a way that is certainly Christian yet, in my view, highly relatable and relevant even for those who may not share John Paul II’s faith. It explores, among other important ideas, what human suffering actually is and how we continually search for the meaning of it.
Most relevant to the theme of this essay is Section VII, “The Good Samaritan.” As recounted in the Bible (see Luke 10:29-37), Jesus told the story of a man who fell victim to robbers who beat him and left him for dead. Several passersby, including a priest, failed to stop and help him. A Samaritan traveler not only stopped but also tended to the man’s wounds, took him to an inn, cared for him, and left money with the innkeeper to pay for the man’s continued care and stay. “The Good Samaritan” is a parable that firmly reinforces the virtues of compassion and mercy.
In Salvifici Doloris, John Paul II uses this parable as a description and reminder of how we all should act when we encounter those in adversity. Namely, we should run to them, give of ourselves, and care for them. In John Paul II’s words:
The parable of the Good Samaritan belongs to the Gospel of suffering. For it indicates what the relationship of each of us must be towards our suffering neighbour. We are not allowed to "pass by on the other side" indifferently; we must "stop" beside him. Everyone who stops beside the suffering of another person, whatever form it may take, is a Good Samaritan. This stopping does not mean curiosity but availability. It is like the opening of a certain interior disposition of the heart, which also has an emotional expression of its own. The name "Good Samaritan" fits every individual who is sensitive to the sufferings of others, who "is moved" by the misfortune of another. If Christ, who knows the interior of man, emphasizes this compassion, this means that it is important for our whole attitude to others' suffering. Therefore one must cultivate this sensitivity of heart, which bears witness to compassion towards a suffering person. Some times this compassion remains the only or principal expression of our love for and solidarity with the sufferer.
The Bystander Effect
Social science helps explain why John Paul II’s mandate to intervene and help those who are suffering is necessary. Simply put, intervening is not something that many of us are naturally predisposed to do, particularly in certain situations. Numerous studies have shown how the likelihood of a person to intervene in a critical situation actually decreases when other people are present. This is what’s known as the “bystander effect.” We assume that other people will help, so we keep moving along, just like the two passersby in the parable of the Good Samaritan.
A meta analysis of this phenomenon examined 50 years of studies. Its findings included that people were less likely to fall into the trap of the bystander effect when they:
Perceived the situation as dangerous,
A perpetrator was present, and
The intervention was of a physical nature.
On one hand, this is good news. People seem to be less susceptible to being passersby—even when others are present—in physically dangerous situations involving a perpetrator.
On the other hand, these findings suggest that the bystander effect is still likely when we encounter people who are suffering in ways other than physical. For some reason, we don’t perceive those non-physical critical situations as ones in which we must personally intervene, situations such as emotional distress, mental health emergencies, grief, or a host of other psychological ways in which people can suffer.
So what does make us more likely to help in those more ambiguous situations? Among many factors, research suggests that people are more likely to intervene when they recognize a situation as an emergency, when they feel a responsibility to get involved and help, and when they feel like they have the skills to help.
Given the social science on this deep topic, John Paul II’s words offer relatively clear advice. Like Perry did for his fellow suffering alcoholic friend—and like the rest of those alcoholics together in a room—we’re called to provide solidarity and proactive support to our fellow humans. We all have this responsibility.
Furthermore, we should “cultivate this sensitivity.” We should continually search for opportunities to be Good Samaritans. This requires us to reject the assumption that someone else will intervene. It requires us to be on watch, waiting for the moment when we can give of ourselves and support those around us, even if that just means being there with them in silence.
All of us who live and love are bound to experience both joy and pain. In that sense, none of us is unique. Yet all of us have a responsibility to come to each other’s aid. For each other, we all can be something like a drunk who stands alongside our fellow drunks, together in a room.
References and for further reading
Hank Azaria’s tribute to Matthew Perry in The New York Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/09/opinion/matthew-perry-addiction.html
Pope St. John Paul II’s apostolic letter Salvifici Doloris: https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_letters/1984/documents/hf_jp-ii_apl_11021984_salvifici-doloris.html
Vedder, Anneke, Kathrin Boerner, Jeffrey E. Stokes, Henk AW Schut, Paul A. Boelen, and Margaret S. Stroebe. "A systematic review of loneliness in bereavement: Current research and future directions." Current Opinion in Psychology 43 (2022): 48-64. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X21000725
Quintiens, B., Smets, T., Chambaere, K., Van den Block, L., Deliens, L., Sallnow, L., & Cohen, J. (2023). Discomfort with suffering and dying, a cross-sectional survey of the general public. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, 66(5), 529-540. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S088539242300581X
Fischer, P., Krueger, J. I., Greitemeyer, T., Vogrincic, C., Kastenmüller, A., Frey, D., ... & Kainbacher, M. (2011). The bystander-effect: a meta-analytic review on bystander intervention in dangerous and non-dangerous emergencies. Psychological Bulletin, 137(4), 517. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-08829-001
Banyard, Victoria L. "Who will help prevent sexual violence: Creating an ecological model of bystander intervention." Psychology of Violence 1, no. 3 (2011): 216. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-10360-001